Someday
by nakceb
Summary: Please don't leave me, Rox."
1. Part 1

Okay, I'm really excited to be posting this because I haven't posted anything in _ages_. I really enjoyed writing this. It's my first Axel and Roxas!! They are my favorite pairing _ever._ This is a two parter. I have the second part completely written, it just needs to be edited. It is way longer than this. While this part is less that 2,000 words the second is over 7,000. Took. Me. Ages. But seriously I'm so jelous of people who can just write loads in a snap. Anyway on with the story... or disclaimer.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters used. It's _fan_fiction, duh. And don't own the song lyrics used either. But you should go listen to song, it's awsome.

* * *

** I wish you'd unclench your fists  
And unpack your suitcase  
Lately there's been too much of this  
But don't think it's too late**

*

"Come on Roxas, please!" Axel cried in desperation as the blond quickly descended the stairs, flinging his suitcase onto the ground by the door. "No, please, lets talk about this," Axel begged. Roxas ignored him and crossed the living room to fetch his laptop, glass from the broken photo frame crunching under his feet. "Please, please!"

Roxas wrenched open the front door and bent to pick up his suitcase. Axel watched helplessly as a car drew up outside. He tried to catch a hold of Roxas but the smaller man whipped his wrist from Axel's reach and moved down the steps and to the car calling out to his brother to, "Stay in the car!"

Axel followed him down the steps trying to avoid looking into the car at Riku who sat in the driver's seat and at Sora who was staring out the window at him with a horrified expression in place. He supposed Sora must have already noticed the fresh bruise covering the flesh around Roxas' left eye and the cut on that side of his nose. As Axel approached Roxas, who was opening one of the back doors, Sora made as if to get out the car, but Riku's hand grasped and tightened round his arm restraining him. "Hey!"

Sora attempted to shake him off but Roxas told him firmly, "It's okay Sora, I'm getting in anyway."

As Roxas slammed the door closed, after depositing his suitcase on one side of the back seats, and ducked round Axel to go to the other side of the car, Axel tried again to reason with him. "Rox," he groaned, "Please, I'm so, so sorry, you know that." Roxas carried on as if he didn't hear and reached for the door handle. Axel darted forward and grabbed a hold of his wrist, hearing Sora's muffled shout from inside the car. "Don't go Rox, don't."

Roxas strained against Axel's strong grip, unable to break his hold before stopping struggling and making eye contact with Axel. "Let me go." Roxas' tone was firm and Axel had never heard him sound so stern, but it was the double meaning in Roxas' words with made him release him. In a second Roxas had opened the door and shot inside. Axel stayed standing in the middle of the road as Riku drove away, Sora looking back and Roxas not.

When the car turned the corner and drove out of sight, Axel muttered his final plea, "Don't leave me, Rox."

He stood for a moment before anger bubbled in his chest and he ran back inside and slammed the door. He crossed to the broken frame and picked it up. The photo - of him and Roxas, taken at Christmas - was still stuck inside and Roxas' blood was still on the corner which had struck him. Axel choked back the misery which threatened to overcome him and instead let out a scream of frustration and flung the frame across the room like he had done before, this time striking the glass coffee table which cracked.

Not satisfied with the minimal destruction, Axel stalked to the mantelpiece and swept his arm along it, sending ornaments and other objects flying. Tearing from the room, he ran at full speed up the stairs to his - and what used to be Roxas' bedroom - and set about breaking the photo frames in there, along with his alarm clock - which, luckily did not break the window on impact - and the mirror.

Surveying the room, fists clenched, Axel found nothing else on which to vent his anger and so set about ripping the sheets from the bed. He fisted them and pulled them off into his arms and was immediately assaulted with their sent. His body jerked as he suppressed a sob before he collapsed onto the bed, hugging the sheets close, breathing in the smell of Roxas, crying.

*

Roxas leaned his head against the cool window, drawing his legs up onto the seat and wrapping his arms round his knees, pulling them into him.

"Roxas," Sora whispered, "What did he do?" Roxas ignored him and tried not to imagine the pained, worried look on his brothers face; and then tried to, in order to block out the worse image of Axel's broken expression.

"Rox, please."

Roxas suppressed a flinch and squeezed his eyes shut. It wouldn't help him to think of Axel. Rain dotted onto the glass that was lightly steaming up from his breath and where his forehead rested. His seatbelt was digging into his neck painfully but at least it took away from the throbbing round his blackened eye and bruised heart. He tried to shut it all out but Sora was still pleading with him. Begging for answers; not for Roxas to stay. He couldn't get the feeling of Axel's hand off his wrist. He rubbed and rubbed and then scratched but it made no difference, he could still sense the tight grip of long warm fingers gripping, holding on.

"Roxas," Sora's voice was louder, a little shrill, "What did he do to you?" Still Roxas refused to look round and offer an answer. "Roxas-" Sora was cut off and Roxas supposed that Riku had stopped him.

Sure enough a few seconds later he heard Riku's low voice muttering to Sora, "Sor, just leave him. He'll tell you when he ready."

"But what if-"

"No Sora, it'll be okay. Just give it time."

Roxas hardly absorbed the meaning behind the words. He was simply grateful that Sora had shut up. The water droplets trickled down, joining together but never separating, only reaching a size and then running together. Roxas has to wonder why people couldn't be like that. Did rain drops argue? Did they get mad and try to beat one another to the ground? Did they fight over the best spots in puddles? Did they break each others hearts?

Somehow he didn't think so.

He leaned his cheek onto the window, shivering at the cold hard surface so unlike Axel's hot skin. But he pushed that thought aside. The car moved over wet roads, outside rushing past, lights in the dark blurred by movement and distorted by the water on the glass. Roxas sat still as he left everything behind. He wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing. No, he was, he just wasn't sure if he wanted to be doing the right thing if it hurt him so much. He didn't like feeling like he was giving up on what he truly wanted but deep inside he knew he was making the smart move, taking the safer, sensible option which - hopefully - would be better for everyone in the long run.

As the car pulled up in the car park outside Riku and Sora's apartment building Roxas' suitcase slid forward and fell off the backseat. He couldn't quite believe that he could fit everything he really needed in such a small space; shame he could only fit almost everything he wanted.

"We're here," Riku muttered, opening his door and getting out.

Roxas looked up and met Sora's gaze, "Roxas-"

Lowering his feet, he too go out the car, feeling Sora's eyes on his back. As he reached back in to retrieve his suitcase, he spotted a small sliver of glass on the edge of his previous seat. Obviously tracked in on his shoes. He grasped the handle of his case and, as Sora exited the car, pocketed the small piece of the reason he was with his brother and his brother's best friend/boyfriend and not curled up on his old couch with Axel and a tub of sea slat ice-cream watching rubbish TV.

Roxas followed Riku across the car park to the building pretending Sora wasn't offering to carry his case for him and asking him painful questions. The corridors and stairs to the apartment were dull and cold not like the hall of his old house which really was cosy even if he didn't like to refer to it like that. Riku unlocked and opened the door and the three of them stood in the hall for a moment.

But Sora seemed incapable of keeping his mouth shut for long periods of time, "Roxas, can you just tell me-"

Riku kindly interrupted him, "You can take the spare room if you want."

Roxas shook his head as Sora watched him, "I'll just take the couch, but thanks."

"But Rox-" Sora started, concern saturating his tone.

"Sora," Roxas told him firmly trying to keep the exasperation from showing through in his voice, "It's fine." He loved his brother but sometimes, or most of the time, Sora could just be so oblivious to what was the best way to go about things.

"Come on, lets head to bed," Riku told Sora softly, putting an arm round his waist and tugging him towards their bedroom. "There's a quilt on the spare bed or blankets in the boiler cupboard and just help yourself to anything you need," he told Roxas before pulling Sora through the door and closing it. Roxas immediately heard Sora's higher pitched tone start up in what sounded like quiet argument.

Roxas' opened the boiler cupboard and withdrew a fairly think blanket and entered the living room. He couldn't face sleeping in or using anything from the spare bad which he and Axel had shared on several occasions. He set down his case and turned on one of the small standing lamps before flinging the blanket onto the couch and heading to the small kitchen to get himself a glass of water.

He held his fingers under the stream of liquid waiting for it to turn ice cold. He felt numb. Or maybe not completely numb because something, somewhere was hurting, but his emotions were certainly less strong, diluted as if mixed with a large volume of the water that he was going to drink. He wanted to stand looking out the window seeing nothing but the darkness as he sipped his drink but instead he drained his glass and headed back to the living room.

He pulled off his shoes with alternating heels and reached to turn off the light, choosing not to open his suitcase and view what little of his old life remained. He noticed how red raw his wrist was from his persistent, ineffective rubbing and scratching before the room darkened and he lay down on the cold, leather couch to attempt to sleep, draping the blanket over his legs and chest.

*

Axel had woken up with swollen skin round his eyes and a destroyed house. He had cleaned the mess he had made up and thrown all of the broken objects - bar the blood stained frame - away. The destruction and then having to clear up didn't seem like a large enough punishment for what he had done to Roxas, however. He held a knife to his arm and then his face trying to find something to cut that was worth even a tenth as much as Roxas' eye and nose and heart. In the end, knowing it wasn't even close to enough, he put the knife back and fetched the scissors instead.

*

When Roxas woke up Sora was panicking as the couch, the blanket and Roxas' jeans had blood on them. And a small shard of glass was embedded in his flesh.

*

** Someday, somehow  
I'm gonna make it alright but not right now  
I know you're wondering when**  
_ Someday_ by _Nickelback_

* * *

Okay so tell me what you think. Or don't. I know what it's like. I just hope you enjoyed it and might want to read Part 2.


	2. Part 2

So, I know I told a couple of people it'd be after Christmas this would be updated, but I decided I'd get it up for Christmas. As a present, whether or not you celebrate it. I got, like, four emails today telling me some stories I'd subscribed to had been updated. That's the most in one day since forever. I felt I needed to do some work like those guys. You know what, I'm gonna give you the names of those stories cause they're great- **_  
_**

**_I'm Loving It _**by **_Jaspen1191_**  
**_Blush _**by **_Naive-Symphony  
Call Me _**by **_Minikimii  
The Drabble Series _**by **_kurosora1984_**

Seriously, if you want something good to read over the holidays, go read these **and those suggested on my profile page! 'Cause they are seriously in another league.**

Anyways, I'm pretty pleased with this - well I think I am. I could probably do with some more editing but... I'm lazy and I wat to post it so whatever. Just let me know if you spot any issues, like spelling for example. I sukc att taht.

**

* * *

Now the story's played out like this  
Just like a paperback novel  
Let's rewrite an ending that fits  
Instead of a Hollywood horror**

*

Roxas took a walk down the street and stopped at the foot of the steps and looked up. It looked the same. All except of the 'For Sale' sign posted in the window beside the door. He was almost sure that if he were to go inside he would find all the furniture exactly as he remembered. It probably wouldn't feel the same though. He couldn't believe it had been a year. Part of him felt like it could only have been yesterday that he stormed out, yet another part felt as though it had been decades since he had seen Axel, talked to him, held him.

Sora wouldn't like it if he found out Roxas had been there. Sora wanted him to move on. So did Roxas but his heart had other plans. He'd been struggling for the whole year, struggling not to go back, to call Axel, to breakdown and cry, to let go. He'd really tried, mainly to get Sora to stop worrying but partly because he actually wanted to forget. He wanted to stop feeling numb and empty with just that little translucent edge of hurt. How nice it would feel to be able to go out with his friends and actually enjoy himself and laugh and then not particularly mind going back to an empty, cold, lonely flat.

He had done everything he could. New job, new home, new clothes. He'd started going to night class on IT (how computers bored him), volunteering at an animal shelter (shame Sora was the animal lover) and going out most nights with Hayner, Pence and Olette (seeing one loved up couple and having your one single friend lust after some jerk of guy was not his idea of fun). And he was forgetting. He thought it would happen slowly but one day he woke up and realised he couldn't remember what it felt like to lie in Axel's arms. He had memories of doing it but he could not recall the feeling of them around him. He'd held his breath as he passed a man smoking and tried not to think of Axel before realising the smell of cigarette smoke didn't bring up any memories and that he couldn't place what was missing in the scent that would have made it Axel's. It scared Roxas a little that he couldn't hear the tone of Axel's voice perfectly in his head like he used to and that he could only wonder about how warm Axel's skin actually was.

The problem was he didn't feel anymore distant from Axel. He still thought about him all the time and could sense the pain that hadn't truly left or faded hiding somewhere within him. And that was what he was hoping to eliminate. He knew he shouldn't have come back to his old neighbourhood but he hoped it would give him some closure and, maybe, it would be easier to let go.

He took the steps slowly and reached into his pocket, withdrawing two sets of keys. Untangling then, he slipped one set back into his pocket. He had never returned his - old - key to the house and he figured it really wasn't the best idea to keep it. Plus as the house was going to be sold it would be better if the new owner had all the keys. Roxas started to remove the single key from it's chain but then stopped. Carefully he pushed his hand through the letter box, tensing a little at the thought that his hand was within the house, but found himself unable to unclench his fist and let the key fall. He pulled his hand back. The key chain was a small corked bottle with a tiny shard of glass inside. The shard of glass. And it was defiantly not a good idea to be hanging onto that. Closing his eyes, he willed himself to be sensible, rational not overly emotional. Sora hated that he carried the fragment around with him. The minute Roxas had refused to let Riku dispose of it, after he had removed it from Roxas' leg, Sora had known it meant something. Roxas told himself to do what Sora wanted for once. His brother and Riku had done so much for him and the least he could do was try to leave everything behind, even if only for Sora's sake. Roxas put his hand into his old house once more and forced himself to let the key and its chain fall.

He heard it hit the ground with a click and knew that meant the door mat no longer lived there either. He suppressed the urge to attempt to wrench open the door and retrieve the shard and descended the steps breathing deeply. The sky was dull, grey and covered in clouds letting no light directly through. The street of houses was dull too and Roxas thought they seemed an appropriate metaphor for his life. Or maybe it was the sky was the metaphor for what had happened with Axel. He certainly felt like he hadn't seen the sun in awhile.

Shoving his hands deep into his jacket pockets he set off down the street, heading for the main part of the neighbourhood where he could catch a bus back to his new house, several miles away from his old home. There were few people about. It was half six at night and it would be getting dark in an hour or two. Three women were in the corner shop, laughing together at the counter as the cashier rang up the first in line's goods. A mother walked past him heading in the opposite direction, cooing to her baby in the pram. Up ahead he could see two teens, obviously a couple, cuddled up in the bus stop. Sometimes Roxas hated other people's joy.

He stopped outside the pub, arguing with himself. He really didn't want to go and wait in the bus stop with the couple there but heading into the pub for a drink would probably damage his mood more. The number of Saturday nights or Sunday lunchtimes he'd spent in there with Axel totalled up into their hundreds and brooding over the past was what he was trying to avoid. One half of the couple leaned in and kissed the other hard and Roxas thought no more.

A bell chimed as he opened the door. Obviously a recent addition. The rest of the pub was the same however. He even recognised a few of the regulars though he barely knew them as he and Axel had never mingled much. The bar man had looked over as he entered and Roxas forced a grin onto his face and offered Dave a nod. He didn't nod back or smile though he had defiantly seen Roxas for he was staring straight at him, a shocked, slightly concerned look upon his face. Slowly his eyes slid over to a spot at the bar on his right, to Roxas' left. Roxas looked too. It took a moment for his brain to register what he was seeing, a rather long moment for there was no mistaking the elongated, overly skinny body or the bright red of the hair. Roxas took a shuddering gasp realising that he hadn't been breathing at the same time he realised the hair had been cut short and that he was staring at Axel.

*

Axel set his empty glass down on the counter with a sigh. The alcohol wasn't making him feel any better. It never did. He looked up to ask Dave for another drink and found the mans eyes already on him. Before he could open his mouth, however, Dave's gaze switched to a point behind Axel's head. Axel twisted round to look too, not completely sure why he was bothering, and almost choked on nothing. Roxas. His Roxas. He looked the same as he had a whole year ago, beautiful and blond and short but without the angry, hard look he had borne the night Axel could never forgive himself for. Now his face was contorted, with such a mix of emotions in his eyes that Axel couldn't separate and pick them out.

Roxas hadn't moved, his eyes still locked with Axel's. Axel felt sick. He was terrified. Never had he even dared hope, dream, that he would run into Roxas that night. He had no idea what to say or do. He wanted to apologise a thousand times over for ruining everything. He wanted to just get up and throw himself at Roxas and hold him until they were kicked out of the pub at closing time. Roxas shifted one of his feet slightly and the panicked fear that hit Axel was almost to much to bear. He couldn't lose him again. He nearly rose from his seat but before the thought could fully enter his head and transmit to his muscles, Roxas had swayed forwards and then started towards him. With each step the small man took Axel's breathing got shallower and shallower until he was sure he was going to start hyperventilating.

There was a light thump beside him and he allowed his eyes to wander from the ever nearing Roxas to see what it was. Dave had set a glass of what had to be water beside him and was walking away, clearly to give Axel and Roxas some privacy. Dave knew how much Axel needed this. After all, he had seen Axel in his heavily depressed state several times in the pub over the past year. Axel grasped the glass and drank half of it, trying to calm down. His efforts were in vain, however. As soon as he had lowered the glass he noticed Roxas was standing directly in front of him just looking.

Axel sloshed most of what was left of the water over himself, heartbeat frequency reaching danger level. Roxas' eyes flickered down to Axel's soaked legs as Axel tried to discreetly brush the water off. Roxas was so there. So real. Solid and opaque and light reflecting and not walking away from him. Everything the Roxas that had plagued his nights ever since his departure wasn't. He held himself back from reaching out and taking Roxas' hand but he couldn't come up with anything else to do, so he just sat there, feeling like an idiot sure he was going to throw up over Roxas at any minute and ruin everything - again.

"Hello Axel," Roxas said. That was it but Axel still felt his head spin. Roxas' voice sounded so good saying his name. He forgotten what it was like to have Roxas say it normally, not angry or upset.

"Hey Rox - as," Axel stuttered, he blinked rapidly and willed away the tears which stung in his eyes. Desperate to keep him there, talking, Axel gestured beside him, "Uh, why don't you sit down. If you want."

Roxas didn't move. Axel wondered if he'd said the wrong thing. Maybe Roxas didn't want to sit with him. Maybe he'd just leave and never come back for fear of running into Axel again. "I can't. Someone's sitting there."

Axel's head snapped round and there was. A man was sitting facing away from them, chatting to his mates. Axel couldn't believe he hadn't heard or noticed him. So lost in his thoughts of Roxas and then said blonde himself. "Oh. Um… well…" He felt so lost. God he had prayed to see Roxas again for so long, practiced over and over again how he would apologise. But he'd given up. Roxas never came back. He left town completely and Axel couldn't find him. Sora refused to tell Axel where he'd gone, even Riku did and Axel knew that was all to do with the cut. His speech had long since left him.

"How about we sit over there," Roxas pointed to a booth in the corner to the right of the door at the far side of the pub. He looked unsure.

"Um, yeah." Axel immediately got up, not wanting to give Roxas time to rethink.

"Dave," Roxas called out to the bar man, "I'll take a gin and tonic. Make it a double."

Axel would have grinned at Roxas' choice of drink that he had always ordered except Roxas wasn't a big drinker so he knew the extra alcohol had something to do with him. "Beer," Axel told Dave with a nod, trying not to look too frightened. Following Roxas to the table he told himself not to mess up. This was his only chance and he could not wreck it.

Roxas slid into the corner, along the padded seats. Axel slid in too trying to keep an acceptable distance from Roxas, but longing to push him out of the corner so he could sit there and Roxas could lean into him like they used to. Dave was there him a moment later and he set their drinks down without a word and was gone again before Roxas had a chance to finish saying thank you. Axel appreciated it. Dave was a nice guy and Axel could tell he was trying to make sure Axel had time to say what he needed to, whatever that was going to be. Everyone was always going out of their way to help him. But Sora hadn't. And Axel really didn't blame him. Axel fingered the side of his glass, nervous. He wanted to take a drink but thought Roxas might think he had nothing to say. He had loads, he was just having a hard time digging it up from under the panic.

"So," Roxas said, pulling his drink towards him, "How have you been?"

It was such a simple question that it caught him off guard and it took Axel a moment to formulate a reply. "Good," he lied and then, as Roxas nodded, he decided that wasn't the best of ideas. Regain Roxas' trust by lying to him. Very smart.

"Actually," he confessed, "It's been pretty awful."

Roxas just looked at him and Axel couldn't fathom out if he was holding back or if he really was as emotionless as he appeared. His eyes were clear now. _That_ shade of blue.

"Ah, how about you?" Axel tried, hoping for some sort of response.

Roxas took a sip of his drink and looked around the pub. Then he shrugged his shoulders. "I've been worse." That stung as the only time Axel could imagine he was referring to was when they were together. He wasn't sure if Roxas meant it as he had never been brilliant at reading him.

He swallowed his confusion and pain and tried to sound cheery, "So what have you been up to?"

Roxas turned his head towards Axel to answer but whatever he said Axel didn't hear. The light hit the side of Roxas' nose and Axel could clearly see the slightly shinier, whiter inch long line of skin that marked his otherwise perfect face. Axel chugged half his glass of beer. Anything to distract him from the awful damage he had inflicted on Roxas. He could have cried, could have just curled up and sobbed from the guilt coursing through him. He felt like he would vomit if he had to think anymore about how horrifically he had behaved towards Roxas. That little insignificant, glaring mark would always be there reminding Roxas of the worst moments with Axel, managing to tower over the good ones. It shone as Roxas' head moved slightly as he spoke and Axel couldn't feel anything but regret.

And then Roxas had stopped talking. And Axel hadn't heard a word. Trying not to stare at Roxas' nose Axel said the only thing he could think of, "I see," and nodded.

"Yeah," said Roxas, who looked a little suspicious in Axel's opinion, "You?"

It took Axel a second to remember his question and even then he couldn't reply because, really, aside from moving out of his home he had done nothing he wanted to tell Roxas about. He'd spent the first weeks after their break up desperately trying to track him down and when he couldn't he had stayed in the house and had hardly done anything except cry for a whole week. Then Demyx had turned up and comforted and then yelled at him and then had got Zexion to come over as he was Demyx's sense. Moving out had been tough. Not because it meant splitting money and dealing with numerous solicitors as Axel fully owned the house, aside from the mortgage, but because it meant packing up all the things Roxas had left behind, including their shared belongings, and delivering them to Sora and Riku's for Roxas. Axel doubted he ever picked them up though. And he'd quit his job and taken one in an office in the new town he moved to, admittedly only the next one over, approximately one mile away. Then he'd gotten fired and that was one thing he most defiantly did not want Roxas to know about, especially since the main reason was that he had kept disappearing from work for days on end.

It was days like those he'd bored Demyx with countless stories about what it used to be like with Roxas and how badly he'd messed up, and those nights he always ended up back in the pub wishing Roxas was there too. Now he had his wish. He sort of felt like a cat which had used up it's nine lives and had been handed an extra one. Problem was, that cat wasn't good at staying alive.

*

Roxas watched Axel - with his short hair, still as red as ever - just sit there, obviously attempting to think of something to say. He wasn't entirely sure what he was trying to achieve by engaging in the small talk. He was supposed to be forgetting about Axel. He told himself he was looking for closure and seeing Axel one last time might give him that, but he had never been very good at lying. Asking pointless questions wasn't doing anything. He knew Axel and himself hadn't done anything productive to their needs in the past year or else they wouldn't have been sitting in the pub.

"Not much, really," Axel finally answered, "I just moved out and moved in. And I uh… quit my job and started a new one. Which didn't really work out."

Roxas forced away the pity and want to comfort Axel, and focused on what Axel had said about his job. "Oh? How come?" he asked, trying to lace his voice with simple curiosity.

Axel looked at him but Roxas refused to make eye contact. That wouldn't do him any good. Axel sighed before starting, "I'll be honest Rox," -the use of his old nickname unsettled Roxas, even Sora had learned to stop calling him that- "I didn't really try to make it work. Didn't really care about my job. And I had a lot of bad days."

"Mmmh," Roxas took a drink from his glass, feeling uncomfortable. He could guess what those bad days were about and he wasn't sure he wanted Axel to broach the subject of _them. _He didn't trust himself to be able to cope with it and not end up wanting Axel with the same intensity as before -and always- and want to have him back. The was a period of silence for which Roxas was grateful as he presumed it meant the moment had passed. He watched the customers seated at the bar drink their beers and chat happily with one another as he tried to think of something to say or ask that wouldn't convey any underlying emotions.

"I miss you."

Roxas looked round and got his eyes stuck to Axel's. He so badly wanted to swallow but his mouth was too dry. He couldn't say anything back, his tongue was glued and his mind was too jumbled for him to be able to process anything.

"Rox, I miss you so much." Axel was too sincere. Roxas knew he meant what he was saying completely and it killed him. He wanted to view Axel from the same point Sora did, dangerous and not good for him, but he just couldn't. Especially not when Axel was looking at him like that and saying the same words Roxas' subconscious had been screaming about Axel for the past year.

"Rox-" Axel began but was cut off as a loud spurt of music sounded. Roxas realised it was his phone and fumbled trying to get it out of his pocket. 'Sora' read the caller-id.

"Hello."

Roxas winced at Sora's loud, worried voice, "Roxas? Where are you? You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago."

Roxas would have said Sora was overreacting if he hadn't been in exactly the situation Sora was worried he'd end up in at that very moment. He couldn't believe it was after seven already. He had forgotten he was supposed the be having dinner at Sora and Riku's that night, but under the current circumstances he supposed he could be forgiven. Sora wouldn't forgive him however so he quickly made up something, "Oh sorry, Sor. It completely slipped my mind. I'm in town," -that wasn't technically a lie, he was in _a _town- "and I ran into a… someone from school," -not really a total lie either as he had met Axel while he was at school even if Axel hadn't been. Roxas could feel Axel watching him closely, attempting to follow the conversation while only able to hear half.

"Oh, ok," Sora's tone relaxed a little, "So when'll you get here?"

Roxas tensed and so did Axel. Roxas figured his phone was louder than he thought if Axel could hear Sora too.

"Um," Roxas said. This was a test of his willpower. If he could really discipline himself he would tell Sora he'd be there in under half an hour and leave straight away. But he didn't. Glancing at Axel and then hurriedly looking away again before his eyes had time to set, he replied to Sora, "… Look, I'm really sorry but I'm still… still catching up with them and I don't think I'll make it tonight."

"Oh, no that's fine," Sora chirped and Roxas felt awful for lying to him because no way would Sora be that happy if he knew who he was really with. "I guess… I'll see you tomorrow then?"

Roxas purposely stared at his drink, not looking anywhere near Axel. Somehow he felt that lying to Sora while looking at Axel would make him a worse person and that maybe Axel would be laughing on the inside, thinking he'd won. "Sure Sora, thanks and … sorry."

"No, no, it's fine. You have a good time Roxas. Love you, bye."

"Yeah, you too, bye."

Roxas let Sora hang up first and then lowered his phone slowly and tucked it away in his pocket. He could still feel Axel's eyes on him.

"Rox-" Axel defiantly wasn't laughing.

"Don't," his voice came out more troubled than he had wanted, he almost sounded in pain. "It was all for the best Axel."

Axel didn't say anything so Roxas turned his head towards him. He wanted to ask about Axel's hair. He felt like he needed to know what had driven him to cut it.

"I'm so sorry," Axel told him, his eyes portraying the extent of his guilt.

"I know," said Roxas because he did. He knew how sorry Axel was, how badly Axel wanted to take everything that had happened back and exchange it for their happier future - together - because he felt the same.

"I never meant to hur-" Axel voice cracked and Roxas had to look down to stop himself from reacting in some way that he couldn't be sure of. Possibly reaching out to him. "To… to hurt you," Axel finished, and Roxas saw a drip of liquid hit Axel's leg. He looked back at Axel and there appeared to be more liquid in his eyes but then he blinked and, if it had actually been there, it was gone.

"I know," Roxas repeated but this time it came out much quieter and his voice was hoarse, it felt like something thick was blocking his throat and building pressure in his face. And he wasn't going to cry. He just wasn't because he couldn't and he wouldn't and he shouldn't. And he'd never cried over it before. And he wasn't going to cry over it now. Axel was still looking at him and Roxas wished he wouldn't because there shouldn't be anything special about him to Axel anymore. It had been a whole year. And how had they ended up sitting so close? Roxas realised his knee was less than an inch from Axel's and now they were both sort of sharing the corner. Yet, he couldn't remember him or Axel moving much at all. He had defiantly moved, unawares. Bad, bad Roxas. Why hadn't his instincts changed?

"That night is the biggest regret of my life," Axel told him. Roxas hated him for saying it because he was taking the words from Roxas' mind box of things never to be thought about, and saying them out loud. Axel never used to do really serious unless Roxas was upset, but here he was being totally genuine and not like his old-usual light hearted self in the slightest.

Roxas didn't want to be forced to think about reasons almost identical to his own so he didn't ask why. Instead he asked a different question to which he had a feeling the answer would be just as, if not even more, damaging. "Why did you cut your hair, Axel?"

Axel's face changed and his hand when to his head. Roxas watched his fingers move through the considerably shorter but still just as red strands that should really have lain flat but were pointing backwards and upwards. "I hurt you," Axel said quietly and Roxas knew his feeling was correct. "I wanted to do some damage to myself but my body doesn't mean all that much to me and I knew my hair was nothing in comparison to… to your face but it was the thing I liked most about myself." Axel looked guilty again. "I'm sorry. That just makes it seem like what I did to you can be made up for and I know it can't," Axel apologised sadly. Roxas knew he shouldn't have asked because he felt worse. He didn't want Axel to blame himself so much, as he knew Axel had never ever meant to hurt him and the arguments had been both of their fault. The photo frame hadn't even been aimed at him.

"It wasn't your fault," Roxas told him even though he shouldn't have been looking for reasons to down play the detrimental impact they'd had on one another.

"It was," Axel disagreed.

Suddenly Roxas felt a little angry. At what he wasn't sure. Maybe because after everything that had happened Axel was still trying to argue with him. But maybe not. "It was not," Roxas spat and Axel visibly flinched. "It just happened. It was a mistake and not why I left." He hated that Axel was making him feel like defending their relationship when he had spent a year convincing himself it hadn't been any good. Axel looked like he was about to fight back so Roxas went on, "You lost your temper, so did I. It was stupid. We were stupid. So were the arguments."

He stopped as he realised that he really believed that. They shouldn't have allowed the pointless fights to break them. Axel was overly possessive and Roxas was scared of rejection. That was who they were and it was because of who they were that they had been together. Roxas knew he had been one half of the reason they fought. And it was really his own idiotic fears which had caused his departure. He never voiced how much Axel meant to him and never acted like he believed in Axel's feelings. And he realised he was thinking in the present tense, not the past. He didn't want to still love Axel. But he did and nothing Sora could say or he could do was going to change that. He'd probably always love Axel, he just wouldn't be with him.

"I'm sorry for being so pushy," Axel told him.

"You had to be," Roxas reasoned, "I was so standoffish." It was backwards from how he'd imagined it. Roxas was sure before they sat down that Axel was going to bombard him with reasons their break-up was a mistake and he wasn't going to have any of it. Instead Axel seemed under the impression Roxas had every reason to leave him and Roxas was sat there realising that he'd made a mistake. Either in leaving or in coming back.

"I just don't know where I went wrong," Axel sighed dejectedly. They'd been together for three years with relatively no issues and then the arguments started. And when Roxas thought about it, it was him who had gone wrong. Axel acted the same as ever but when Sora and Riku moved in together and Olette and Pence got engaged Roxas had to wonder if him and Axel would ever be quite so serious. Which was a stupid thought because Axel loved him more than anything in the world. He'd told him that often enough. Maybe he himself was scared of commitment but he doubted that. He thought it was probably more like he was scared that Axel wouldn't want it. Which looking at him now, was about as far from the truth as possible. "This was never what I wanted," Axel told Roxas, though he already knew it. "I just wanted to be with you. Forever."

Roxas wanted to laugh, but caged the urge in. That would only hurt Axel more than he obviously already was. But it was so ridiculous that they one thing they both had wanted, they had screwed up. Typical. "I can't move on," Axel admitted quietly, as if to himself. Roxas was far to friendly with feeling like that, but he had expected Axel to have less trouble with getting over it than he was. Axel had always been the happy, jovial one. A person who, at one point, Sora had claimed was good for Roxas because their personalities were in such sharp contrast, so they evened each other out, and Axel made Roxas smile. But now Axel was as broken as Roxas, as smashed as the glass from the frame. That God damn frame.

Roxas and Axel sat in silence and finished their drinks. Roxas tried not to notice Axel's heartbroken expression. He'd always hated that phrase. It was so melodramatic. Or so he'd thought until he found out that this sort of pain really did feel like someone had cut open your heart, or cut it out and taken it somewhere far, far away from the one you loved. Roxas knew that Axel felt that pain too.

Demyx had come to see him once, a long time ago; less than a year. He'd called several times after that, Roxas and him were good friends, but he'd only come to visit once, and only spoken of Axel that one time. It was a good job it was after Roxas had gotten his new flat or else Sora might have sent him away. As far as Roxas knew, Demyx had never told Axel about the visit or the location of the flat. Roxas was/wasn't grateful. Demyx had told him that Axel was a mess, that he'd never seen him in such a state before, that he was literally dying. Roxas had wanted to say he thought he was too. 'He will get over it,' was what he said then and "You will get over it," was what he said now, in late reply to Axel's admission.

Axel fixed Roxas with a very different look to Demyx's half worried, half exasperated one but said almost the same thing, 'He won't', "I won't." Roxas knew it was pointless to argue as Axel's tone told him plainly that he really would never be able to let go of the memories and get over his feelings for him. Or maybe that was just him.

Because Axel was very much a part of him, an actual physical part which had been torn away when he'd left, therefore, leaving him incomplete. Roxas wasn't whole anymore. He should fill that void with something new but he didn't want to. Roxas knew he was moving in circles, trying to get over Axel, then uncovering his still existing feelings for him, then attempting to ignore and forget them again. He needed to make a choice. A real, fair one, where he had time to see both sides fully with their advantages and disadvantages. He had that chance now, he had to pick a direction and stop taking the ring road.

It didn't make any sense for him to be there in the pub. He was relapsing and it was not the way to go, not when Sora wanted him to move on, he shouldn't be thinking of himself.

"Look Axel, I'm sure you will get over it eventually. It'll just take time. And this isn't helping, you know," he told Axel with a sigh. He didn't miss the slightly panicked look that crossed Axel's face.

"Roxas, please-" Axel began.

Roxas cut him off, "I really think I should get going." He slid out of the booth and stood up, aware of Axel doing the same, and looked over to Dave, nodding bye.

He started towards the door, Axel following. "You don't need to come out. I'm going to catch-" Roxas stopped, knowing Axel would just wait at the bus stop with him. He didn't trust his resolve to move on to last. "…just go straight home."

"Well, I…" Axel looked desperate.

"It's fine," Roxas pushed open the door and stepped outside. The cold air hit him immediately. The sky was dark, all the streetlights lit, and the couple from earlier gone. He zipped up his jacket against the chill, and turned to find Axel standing by him on the pavement. He tried to smile but decided he could cope better staying impassive. "So, bye Axel…" He couldn't add the 'Nice to see you,' as it was such an understatement, completely insufficient at describing what it was like to see him again. (Heaven.) (Hell.)

Axel looked as if about to say something - was he fighting back tears? - but then shook his head and muttered, "Bye, Rox."

Roxas turned and started to walk away. Each step did not take him closer to where he wanted to be.

A long fingered, warm hand grasped his wrist and pulled him round. Axel was crying. Tear's streaming down his face like raindrops down a window. Roxas had never seen him cry like that before and his heart begged to comfort him. "Don't leave me, Rox," Axel whispered, "Not again."

*

He couldn't let him leave. Not this time. He would not lose Roxas again, he wouldn't be able to bear it. Axel tightened his grip on Roxas' wrist. He was not letting go. He couldn't. Axel was aware he was crying, that he was standing outside his old local pub clinging onto his last chance to get Roxas back. Roxas was just looking at him, scared but not of Axel. One of the things Axel was most grateful for was that Roxas had never been afraid of him, even that night. "I…" Roxas didn't seen able to continue, but Axel knew it wouldn't be long before the small blond had a fully structured argument against them getting back together ready to stab him with.

"I love you," Axel told him and prayed that just this once Roxas would really truly believe him and understand the full extent of the feelings that drove Axel to say that. Roxas couldn't go, if he did Axel was sure he wouldn't be able to survive. He had barely coped that year, he hadn't really. How could he possibly live for the rest of his days without him?

Roxas scrunched his face and Axel spotted the tears pooling in his eyes, shining under the orange glow of streetlamps.

"Axel-" Roxas' argumentative tone was there but crippled by hurt. Axel tugged him forwards and pulled him tight against his chest, one arm wrapping round his waist, the other releasing his wrist and sliding up his back. Roxas shivered. He didn't try to pull away. God, Axel had waited so long. He needed Roxas so badly, Roxas was the one for him, the only one. He could not, could not lose him again. Roxas was shaking in Axel's embrace and Axel pulled back - only ever so - slightly to look down at him as tear that was not his own dripped onto his collarbone.

Roxas' eyes were red. "Axel," he choked out with a retching sob. Axel hated it when Roxas cried. He hardly ever did, Axel had always been the more emotional one, but on those rare occasions it broke Axel's heart to see that Roxas was facing so much misery that it was driving him, the strong, stubborn person that he was, to weep. Axel began to pull him close again but Roxas strained back, "No, Axel, we can't-".

But Axel couldn't let him finish. Leaning in he pressed his mouth to Roxas' and kissed him like he had longed to for a year. Roxas gasped, but seemed to forget he was trying to break away, as Axel kneaded his lips slowly against Roxas' unresponsive ones. He pushed forwards and then pulled back completely, pressing two gentle, single kisses to Roxas' lips. There were more tears coating Roxas' cheeks and he was shaking even more violently. He didn't say anything but gave another sob and easily allowed Axel to clasp him to his body. Axel leaned his head down and touched his mouth to the place where Roxas' neck met his shoulder and muttered, "I love you," against his skin. Roxas shivered again, a gradual shudder which coursed through his whole body, and finally curled his arms round Axel, fisting the back of his shirt with one of his hands. Axel felt each of his little fingertips graze against him through the fabric as he did so. His breathing was uneven in Axel's ear and his heart was beating a little erratically. Axel could feel it's beat against his chest, different to his own. More tears slipped down Roxas' cheeks onto Axel's shoulder, and Axel found himself whispering, "Babe, please. Don't cry."

Roxas shook his head against Axel's chest. "Don't," he said, "Don't call me that."

Axel raised his head and looked at him, hurting. He had tried, he was trying. What else was he supposed to do? He needed Roxas back, he could not continue to live without him. And he had thought, or maybe just hoped - imagined, that he was getting somewhere, but if Roxas still wouldn't have him back…

"Rox," Axel croaked, feeling the tears rising again, as Roxas looked up and pulled back, letting go of Axel's shirt.

"You know I hate it," Roxas finished and smiled. It was just a little smile, diluted by tears, but a Roxas-smile was so rare and had used to be reserved purely for Axel, before things turned bad. Axel hadn't seen one in awhile. His chest swooped and the tears overflowed. Roxas blinked twice, smile vanishing, a concerned frown appearing in it's place. "Axel? Are you-" he started to ask but Axel pulled him back into him and buried his head down into his neck again.

"I missed you, Rox. So much," Axel spluttered, his turn to shake and sob. He was so uncontrollably relieved and happy and Roxas was his again and. "I love you, Roxas. I need you. I… I thought you were going to leave… again," his knees jerked at the thought. Roxas' hands were rubbing his back and what a sight they must be. Two boys standing outside a pub at eight o'clock on a Friday night, shirts damp with tears and clutching each other tight in case something tried to tear them apart.

"I… I… can't take it when… when you're not there, Rox," Axel's speech was distorted and he felt so stupid. Roxas was here with him and not moving and he should have been the strong one. It was his fault. He had no right to cry. "I'm so sorry, Rox," he gasped, "I should never… I didn't mean to… the frame." He squeezed Roxas and tried to get a hold of himself. Roxas needed to know how sorry he was. Properly. But Roxas just squeezed him back and tilted his head to kiss Axel's neck. "Enough. I know you're sorry. So am I, but just save the apologies for Sora. You'll need them." Axel managed a weak laugh as Roxas' lips graced his skin again. He had to admit, he really didn't want to face Sora. But he had Roxas, that was all that mattered. The tiny brunets wrath would be worth it.

"I love you," Roxas muttered, unwrapping his arms from Axel and sliding them down Axel's arms before taking his right hand. "But can we please go somewhere? It's cold."

Axel's laugh was stronger as he laced their fingers together. He leaned over and kissed the scared flesh on the side of Roxas' nose, his own silent apology. "I want to go home," he stated.

Roxas made eye contact and his face took on an expression of understanding and slight embarrassment. "About the house…"

Axel rubbed his thumb over the back of Roxas' hand and cut him off. "I'll, well, I'll take the listing down… if you want?" He was a little unsure, he really didn't want Roxas to change his mind.

But a happy smile tinted Roxas' eyes, "Please."

"But just now we can… well, you can go home if you want to or…" Axel took the tightening of Roxas' grip as a no, "My flat is just a couple of blocks away. A ten minute walk."

Roxas nodded and Axel let go of his hand and put an arm round his waist instead. Turning them around completely he started to lead the way. "What were you doing in town anyway?" Axel questioned, curiosity setting in for the first time. It was so nice to be interested in something again. It was amazing. He had Roxas. _His Roxas_.

Roxas sighed and leaned his head against Axel's shoulder, "I wanted closure." Axel smiled straight ahead sadly. "I'm kind of glad I never got what I wanted," Roxas admitted, turning his face into Axel's arm. Axel could feel the embarrassment radiating from him. Axel couldn't help it. "Really?" he asked sarcastically, "Am I that irresistible?"

Roxas raised a fist and thumped Axel gently on the chest as Axel laughed. They were ok. And Axel was where he was supposed to be. Roxas reached up his fist, uncurling it and threading his fingers into Axel's hair, causing their pace to slow as he turned to look up at him. "Promise me you'll grow it back?" Roxas said.

Axel leaned down and muttered against his lips, "Anything for you."

*

**Someday, somehow  
I'm gonna make it alright but not right now  
I know you're wondering when**  
_Someday_ by _Nickelback_

_

* * *

_Ahhh, it's finished. I'm kinda sad. This wasn't the place of how I initialy planned for it to end but then it wasn't supposed to be this long either.

Hope you liked it. And Merry Christmas.


End file.
